Amazing grace
Deborah Layton discovers acceptance and love.
I grew up in a poor family in Newcastle, NSW. Although my father earned a good salary, he spent most of it on gambling and on himself. Domestic violence was commonplace and I can remember my mother collapsing under a hallway table because Dad had hit her again. Regardless of my father’s actions, I desperately loved him and wanted his love. Unfortunately, my brother received all Dad’s affection, so I grew up feeling abandoned, unloved and resentful towards my brother.
Mum left Dad when I was 12 years old.
She was an emotional wreck for many
years after the divorce and as a family
we really struggled. I have not seen my
brother for 20 years and my sisters and I
are not close.
I was devastated at 15 when Dad died
unexpectedly and I became rebellious,
deeply depressed, and tried to suicide.
During this time, I was sent away to stay
with relatives and was sexually assaulted.
I wasn’t able to share this with my mother
until years later as I thought it was my fault
and felt guilty.
Mum sent me to counselling, but it did not help and in desperation she sent me to the local church youth group, hoping it would make a difference. I began going to church and started to experience God’s love but left because of the unwelcome attention I was getting from some of the guys in the youth group. I started going to nightclubs and getting into illegal activities. I look back now and believe it was God who kept me safe and alive through this time.
At 17, I met Phil and we moved in together. Even though by now I really trusted no-one, I still had a longing for something bigger than myself and sought out spirituality in any form. Over time I had a growing fear of dying and I bought several books about heaven, hell and life after death to help me. I even read a verse here and there from the Bible. From these books, I came to believe that Satan did exist, particularly as I considered the evil in our world and also my own life experiences. Thinking logically, this had to mean that God must also exist.
Around this time our first child, Zac, was born. There were complications at his birth and we were unsure whether he would survive. Still not knowing God personally, I prayed in desperation for help and few weeks later we brought a healthy and very large baby boy home. My need to find out about God kept growing and I started going to church with a woman I met through Zac’s day care. It was the scariest thing I have ever done; although I no longer looked like the outcast I once was, inside I felt unclean, unworthy and unfit to walk into a church.
The kids and I enjoyed church, but Phil wouldn’t go. Regardless, I kept going and was deeply moved by the message that Jesus died for me, and that if I confessed my belief in him I could be forgiven. Although I heard this message over several months, it wasn’t until God spoke to me in 2001, through the words of the song, ‘Amazing Grace’, that I truly understood it. How good and gracious is God to accept and love me, just as I was and, still, just as I am.
Since then, Phil, my mother and my children have also come to the same realisation. We loved our church and still have a wonderful relationship with the people there, but over time we felt we were changing and needed to move on. We decided to try the Salvo church at Eastlakes, NSW, where we already knew some people. From the beginning we really felt that this was the place God wanted us to be.
I love the focus on making new Christians within The Salvation Army as that is completely aligned with what I do in my job with Christians Against Poverty. It’s a privilege to be part of a church and worship team that prays for people within the church and also for people who do not yet know Jesus.
Story republished courtesy of Warcry.