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How to have difficult conversations

18 July 2018

Photo by Ming Jun Tan on Unsplash
Photo by Ming Jun Tan on Unsplash

Few of us really like handling difficult conversations. Even less know how to successfully handle a difficult conversation, whether it is with a spouse, colleague, boss or even the bank manager. 

We often avoid them because we don’t know how we can work through it while retaining a cool head and clear thinking. Sometimes past experiences have not gone well or we avoid addressing the issue because of our own negative self-perceptions. We don’t think we are worthy to stand up and express our position, complaint or feelings. We fear negative appraisal from the other person, and we don’t want them to think badly of us. 

Regardless of the context, there are some similarities in the way we can prepare for the conversation to achieve a good outcome and keep the relationship intact. 

It's not win-lose

It helps not to think of it in terms of a win-lose, ‘I’m right you’re wrong’ situation, or we will go into it with the attitude of a fight rather than as an opportunity to explore a problem.  Change your mindset about what the discussion is. Avoid blaming the other person and seeing them as the problem. Imagine that you are both on the same side of the table looking at the problem together to see how you can best work through it. By recognizing that problem is the problem you are more likely to remain objective and solution focused. 

Breathe

Remember to breathe. Taking a few deep breaths gives us space and helps us to focus. Our brain can be hijacked by our emotional reactions and we don’t think clearly. If you find yourself getting caught up in an emotional response, take a few breaths. This gives your brain time to catch up after a flight or fight response and you’re less likely to react. Speak slower and pause before you respond which can help to de-escalate your emotions. If you are able to stay calm it helps the other person too feel less emotive. 

Have an outline

Have an outline about the points you need to cover but don’t write it down and read word for word. If the other person goes somewhere else in the discussion you will be focused on trying to find where you are in the script, and by not listening to what they are saying you may their miss non-verbal cues.  

Listen

Listen. Approach the conversation with curiosity, particularly if your conversation is about a misunderstanding. Stay with an open posture, trying to gain as much information about the situation, which will help with your goal of being objective.  If you don’t understand their position, then ask. It shows care and concern if you can empathize with their position. You don’t have to agree with them but helps them know they have been heard.  

Reflect on the conversation

At the end of the conversation, reflect on what you learned, what went well and what you could do differently next time.  It helps us take ownership of our reactions instead of heaping all the blame on the other person. 

What have you found helpful in facing difficult conversations?

By LYN BEASY

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