Letter from a bereaved person

As a person bereaved by suicide, I care about others going through their own nightmare and believe we need as much support as possible. Words on paper can seem an insignificant and arrogant attempt to ease the intense, gut wrenching emotions you may be trying to copy with, but this is my humble attempt.

Surviving this was a roller coaster ride of steep climbs and scary corners and descents that just crept up on me and left me breathless and shaking. I was so afraid. I was choking on something totally alien to me. I felt so alone even with family and friends. How could we be there for each other when so much hurt and anger lay in the air.

I really needed someone to listen to my endless retelling, my tears, my pain as I talked about the one I had lost. I knew nothing was going to bring him back, but I found speaking to someone else who had gone through this at least made me feel that I wasn’t going mad. We shared our thoughts and feelings and our wonderful memories about our boys. The highs, the lows, the funny, the naughty, covering the terrain of their lives from babies to men.

You know they really were here, they existed, they lived and they died. They were and will always be an essential part of who we are. We loved them and they most certainly mattered, even if not in their own minds.

To the question ‘why’? I have come to my own conclusion, which is the result of countless hours of thinking and struggling to understand. Today I feel I have reached a place in myself that allows me to be brave and live and love.

I sincerely hope you will take the opportunity to contact SPA and find out about resources and support for yourself.