Mailbag: Beating temptation
31st August 2011 by Shandri Brown
Q: I have thoughts about having sex, but I know that if anyone at my church found out, my family and friends would be disappointed with me. Is this normal, and what should I do?
A: It’s hard wrestling with thoughts about sex and not knowing how to put an end to those thoughts. It’s even harder when the message about sex so often put out by the church is just “don’t do it”. It often seems like people at church are all super-righteous saints who would never ever want to spend time thinking about something so awful! They probably only have scripture verses and hymns bouncing around in their heads, right?
The truth of the matter is that it’s really common to think about sex. Your family and friends most likely think about it plenty. In fact your parents probably take those thoughts a bit further, gross! Seriously though here are a few things to remind yourself:
- Sex is not a bad thing;
- God invented sex for a reason;
- God intends for sex to happen within marriage;
- dealing with temptation is something everyone goes through;
- there are things you can do to help you fight temptation and reserve sex for marriage.
Talk to the right people
Do not, I repeat do not, go up to someone you are attracted to and share with them that you are struggling with sexually tempting thoughts. That is just dumber than dumb. What is a good idea is to find a trusted leader at your church who can listen to your struggle confidentially and pray with you regularly as you tame your thoughts.
Train your thoughts
It can be done! You can learn to control and “capture” your thoughts rather than let them settle in your mind for the long haul. Your mind is not a wild creature that you are at the mercy of even though it may feel like it sometimes. Check out 2 Corinthians 10:5 … And be careful what you put in your brain. If all the music you listen to is about having sex, and if it’s a regular feature in the movies you watch, guess what you’re going to be thinking about?
Set yourself up for success
Many people have taken purity pledges, bought the purity ring and given the “saving sex for marriage” speech just to wind up in bed with someone soon after. If it works for you, do it. If moving to Antarctica, putting posters around your house about STD’s and pinning a picture of your great aunt Myrtle above your bed helps, then do that. If you are serious about remaining mentally and physically pure then be prepared to do what it takes. It may mean finding an accountability partner; it might mean running away (literally! Check out Joseph’s story in Genesis 39) and it may mean taking a texta and scrawling the words “back off right now” on all your undies.
Keep a right perspective
Even though it is important to fight off thoughts about sex in order to pursue purity and express self-control don’t let sex become the enemy. Sex has been trivialised by the overly sexualised society we live in but sex is a fantastic creation of Gods. Be glad that God has created a great gift for marriage rather than just seeing the negative of “but I can’t have it now!” Remember that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and a fantastic thing to develop in your life. Without self-control we are all about as well-off as the average baboon. You need self-control to study, remain healthy, hold down a job and have the best sex of your life (the married kind).
Hold yourself in high regard
God certainly does! Don’t beat yourself up every time that you have a lustful thought. Accept the forgiveness that God gives. Have respect for the body and life you have been given. God says it pretty bluntly in (1 Corinthians 6:18-20) when he reminds us that we are his and so we shouldn’t sin against our own bodies. There’s some great cheesy mantras out there, like “You ain’t got a ring, you don’t get a fling!” and you don’t need to get this screen printed on your shirt but it could be helpful to put some great scripture verses around yourself that remind you of why you are waging the war against temptation.
save. grow. serve.
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