Mailbag: Sexuality
11th October 2010 by Shandri Brown
As a young gay Salvationist who is still in the closet, what is your opinion of me? Should I come out and get slammed? Will my Christian friends shun me? Will my church shun me? Does God stop loving me because I love someone of the same gender as me? I am confused and scared, and sad to think that the God I love so much hates me for loving another person. Please help me!
I want to begin by letting you know that you are loved. You are God's child and not hated by him. It must be difficult to wrestle each day with this secret. Please try and accept that God absolutely cares for you and has not rejected you. Let's see if we can clear up any of these questions ...
Should you "come out and get slammed"? No way. Should you talk to someone about this ASAP? Definitely. If there is any confusion in your mind about who you are attracted to, then making public announcements is counter-productive. Even if you are absolutely positive that you are 100 per cent gay, no one has the right to be cruel to you. Go to someone you trust (your officer, a small group leader etc.) and tell them what's been going on for you. Don't continue to wrestle with this alone. One of Satan's best tools against us is isolation. If you keep believing that you have to suffer in silence, he wins.
In answer to your other questions, will your church or friends shun you? It is likely that some of your friends might find this too confronting and perhaps your same-gender friends will be nervous that you are attracted to them, so yes things will change. As for your church, well you already know whether they are a loving grace-issuing community or whether they kick people out for not fitting in. How have you seen them behave in the past? My hope is that they continue to love you and worship with you.
I can't even imagine the inner wrestle that goes on within you. I feel confident that you would say you didn't choose this. I am not sure to what degree we can chose who we are attracted to but one thing I do know is that sexual sin is sexual sin. To act on homosexual attractions is wrong. I assume that because you are still "in the closet" that you aren't in a same-gender relationship and I would urge you to keep it this way while you seek some wisdom and counselling from people who love you.
God has never hated a person for loving another person that I am aware of. He doesn't hate you but does want to see you set free from this; free from fear, confusion, doubt and shame. It honestly breaks God's heart that you are hurting. You may not be able to control how you feel but you can choose your behaviour. Because God hates lust (from both homosexual and heterosexuals), sexual immorality and adultery, I urge you to avoid these things (this is exactly the same advice I would issue to a heterosexual person). A couple of things:
- I have had a few gay friends reveal to me that childhood abuse was part of their journey into homosexuality. If this is true of you, please seek some Christian counselling.
- Check out the teaching of Sy Rogers, a gifted preacher who is an expert on sexuality (especially homosexual tendency).
- Speak to a leader or trusted friend soon. Keeping a secret guarded means it quickly turns toxic.
Refer to The Salvation Army's Positional Statement on Homosexuality for more information.
Got a question for the Mailbag? Write to us today!
save. grow. serve.
save - noah rzeminski
Noah Rzeminski from Wollongong tells how his father was not happy with his decision to b... Read more
serve - nadine sorensen
Nadine Sorensen shares how God altered her persepctive while on mission in Kenya... Read more
Got your own story to share? Write to us today!
Comments
Thanks for publishing this letter. I too am closeted and nervous about coming out and I am thirty years old!
Hey I'd just like to encourage you both for speaking out. It's really important to do life in community through the times of celebration and and times of challenge. I pray God leads some trusted people to you both that can walk with you on your journies. Bless you both.
Just remember, God and the salvation army DONT HATE you, actully quite the oppisite... its the sin god hates, the sin of sex out of marrage, lust.... so GOD dosnt hate you.... I once identified as a GAY boi, but i know that i would be commiting sin if i was to lust after another PERSON male or female and i would be commiting sin if i had sex out of marrage.... So now i just identify as me Denny and I am marraied to god... but my advice is to pray and seek advice from you pastor... i wish you all the best and i am praying for you both. email me if you have questions and i will do my best to get them answered for you..... dwellard81@gmail.com
God blees you both
This is 2010. We know the world is not flat and the earth is not the centre of the universe. Humans evolved from apes, but God is still somehow the omnipotent creator of the universe ..... and this I sincerely believe. Science and religion are not opposed to each other.
I think the mainstream churches stance on homosexuality is cruel and a recipe for suicide.
If God created someone with a homosexual orientation, why would he forbid them from expressing it in a sexual way?
And why can heterosexuals morally express their sexuality but for homosexuals it's regarded as filth and lust?
The writer of this article says: "To act on homosexual attractions is wrong"
This statement is filling every young sexually developing person with unecessary guilt.
You then say "I hope your church community will continue to love you and worship with you." WHAT? you hope? You should demand that they treat him equally as Jesus did.
Homophobia is a taboo from secular society.....it is not condoned in the bible.
Jesus never mentioned homosexuality.
If you can't honestly deal with such a complex and deeply personal issue as this I think it's best you say nothing and don't give advice to anyone.
There's 2 separate issues being addressed here.
Firstly, the church's love and acceptance of people
Secondly, whether homosexuality is acceptable to God, or in line with God's plan for us.
In regards to the former there should be no question. The responsibility of the church to unconditionally love and accept every person should never differ from the example Jesus set for us. Each of us, regardless of where we are at in life and what we are going through should be able to knock on the door of any Christian across the world and receive the same kind of love and acceptance Jesus offered to everyone.
In regards to the second point it comes down to personal and denominational beliefs. For example The Salvation Army (and hence this website I guess) believes that homosexual practise is unacceptable based on a Scriptural argument (see the Salvos Positional Statements that are linked in the article above).
I believe that these are 2 distinct issues and should not be confused or intertwined, however I also realise that this is not such an easy task.
I think the advice in the article is good and whilst we don't understand the full complexity of the issue I do believe it's better for people to hear that they are loved and accepted instead their questions going unanswered.
Thoughts...?
@Sebastian:
God did not create anyone with a homsexual orientation, He created us each with free will. Now I'm not saying that we choose our sexuality... sexuality is a sensitive and complex thing and really beyond human understanding, but numerous times throughout the old and new testament it is clearly expressed that living a homosexual lifestyle is not what God intends for us. Furthermore, just because Jesus doesn't mention homosexuality, doesn't mean its ok. It is mentioned by God through various personalities in the bible.
@Sebastian:
Hey Sebastian!
Thanks heaps for your comments bro. I think you've got some valuable things to say.
As an admin for this site, I tried to send you an email this morning saying sorry that you had to try so many times to submit your comment yesterday - but my email bounced. I'd still love to send it. If you're keen to receive it, please leave another comment here. You don't need to publicise your email address, just make sure that the email address in the email field is correct.
Cheers mate!
Also, just in case anyone is interested...
There's some good thoughts and a good related article already posted on MORE here. If you're interested in this discussion, head over there and get involved.
Love that some people have put some helpful encouragement up here for the young person who submitted this question.
Sebastian - to suggest that this response fills every young person with guilt is a pretty bold statement and suggests to me that you haven't read this prepared to hear the real heart of the answer at all. I love that injustice obviously stirs your passion but nobody has the power to demand that every Christian behave a certain way and respond a certain way. Don't we want beautiful Christ-like responses to flow from a desire to love and not because someone commanded an action?
Yes these are complex issues but I am glad when we are able to have a go at speaking into these situations. Are these articles always perfect? Certainly not. But to stay mute is so dangerous.
I personally think it is disguting the way gay people are treated.
They are alienated, made to believe that they are sinners and made to feel like outcasts.
Jesus never would have treated anyone like that.
I believe that the Church has got it backwards, it is lust that is the sin, not homosexuality. Provided gay people show their affections in a way that is not lustful I can't see anything wrong with it.
I agree with Sebastian, I don't believe people choose their sexual orientation. Why would anyone choose to be gay with all the cruelty aimed at gay people? It is like people don't choose whether they are left or right handed. God made them the way they are, so peoples should just respect that and not try to change it.
Yes, in the bible it mentions about homosexuality, but it also says that women should not wear gold and pearls. You shouldn't take the bible too literally, it was written by man after all.
Jesus' actions showed that God wants us to accept all people and not judge so thats what everyone should start doing!
Sorry if I have offended anyone, but thats just my opinion on the issue. =)
Practicing homosexuality IS a sin. But lets not forget that its equally as sinful as gossip, stealing, extra-marital heterosexual sex and every other sin!
I worship a God that doesnt grade sin. If we're going to generalise and talk about 'the church', I think if the church HAS got something wrong, its that it tends to focus on sins it specifically feels emotive about. Like homosexuality, abortion etc.
If we're going to get down to it, lets look at TSA's 5th doctrine:
"We believe that our first parents were created in a state of innocency, but by their disobedience they lost their purity and happiness, and that in consequence of their fall all men have become sinners, totally depraved and as such are justly exposed to the wrath of God."
We are all sinners, we have free will to choose to follow Christs example and the teachings of the Bible, or to not.
So, bringing this back to the point, I was born attracted to women, if I never married, I would have to tend with the fact that sex outside of marriage is wrong, and deal with that temptaion for my entire life! I believe, some people are born attracted to the same sex, unfortunately for them, marriage isn't an option, and they, much like a straight, unmarried person, will have to deal with that temptation as part of their journey in this life.
Tempatation comes in all forms, it is what we have to contend with, but to live a life striving to be Christ-like, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to live as best we can within Gods will for us, will reap a great reward in the end!
Christ loves all, and so should we, I love the guy that stole my wallet, I love that lady at centrelink that swore at me, I love my gay friends, and I have many people that love me, even though I'm a sinner too. It is in that love that we tell people of the plight of sin, and its in love that we hate the sin of homosexuality, but we love the homosexual!
Hear Hear, Tim! I particularly love this bit:
"Christ loves all, and so should we, I love the guy that stole my wallet, I love that lady at centrelink that swore at me, I love my gay friends, and I have many people that love me, even though I'm a sinner too. It is in that love that we tell people of the plight of sin, and its in love that we hate the sin of homosexuality, but we love the homosexual!"
Oh wow, Tim, i loved that! i almost commented on this blog before i read that comment, so glad i didn't, you are so articulate!
And there are so many points i had never even considered before!
I love that the gay/lesbian's struggle with sin, it's exactly the same as the single straight person's struggle - that is an incredible revelation to me! Absolutely loved that point and will use it!!!
To my homo's (both gay and straight - because really, a homo can be either!)
I love you all and i don't judge you.
The principle of Christianity is founded on love and respect, not judgement.
You choose your lifestyle and i'll choose mine and hopefully somewhere in the middle we can become good friends!
Love your words Tim. I think you have articulated what a whole stack of people want to say.
Hey guys sorry to throw a spanner in the works but I felt I needed to contribute a few thoughts:
1. Tim you raise a good point about the fact that we are wrong to measure different sins and that the struggle for a Heterosexual to be celibate is exactly the same as a Homosexual. The challenge though is that for 'straight' people there is an out, they can marry, in the eyes of the law and the eyes of the church. At this moment in time if a gay Christian falls in love with another gay Christian and they want remain celebite and do the honourable thing and enter into a covenant of marriage and fidelity the reality is that they can't. Straight people like myself whilst struggling with lust/temptation, can still marry, and express physical love in that context. Homosexuals cannot ... basically they're condemned to celibacy. This is a challenge that the church needs to continue to wrestle with more, and continue to have open dialogue with the GLBTIQ community about, especially as gay theologians are beginning to re-interpret the 5-10 of verses in the bible which address this area.
2. Alisha you mentioned the word 'choose' in your final statements about lifestyles. Unfortunately this is a myth, for most GLBTIQ people they don't choose that lifestyle - who would choose it knowing all the hate and scorn and difficulty they face!!? So I just wanted to raise that it's often not as simple a matter of choice. I'm sure you know this though I just wanted to make sure for others who read it that they don't interpret in that way! Which leads me to my final point.
3. I read the often quoted phrase, 'love the sinner, hate the sin', in the comments above. Please don't say this! I've spoken with GLBTIQ people and they hate this saying !! Christians say this thinking we're saying a nice thing ... and it's not. When we're dealing with human sexuality, its not so simple as to seperate the person from their orientation - so much of our identity is often tied up in our sexuality. So if we go around saying we hate Homosexuality, but love Homo's, unfortunately all they will often hear from us is I HATE YOU. We cannot be so dualistic in our thinking and just seperate these two area's, it's far too complex an issue to do this and I believe we need to pray, research and humble ourselves alot more and keep learning and having helpful conversations like this one!
Thanks to the Brave Young Salvationist who had the guts to ask this question and start this conversation, I hope you can find love and support from the right people and know that God loves you - no matter what!
Nathan thanks for bringing your perspective. It is really obvious that you have taken the time to build relationship and understanding with/for gay friends. So many of us are standing on the sidelines weighing in on the issue without the benefit of meaningful conversation with people who are living this out. You bring some good reminders.
I like what Tim has to say, he raises some good points.
"Love homosexuals hate homosexuality." What a terrible thing to say! That would totally ruin peoples sense of identity.
Only God should judge people. I don't get why we think we have the right to say what is right and what is wrong, especially with things as complicated as this.
I think that, while always 100% respecting God's will and God's word, the Church as a whole should put a lot more consideration into the issue of sexuality.
Just one final point- How can we say we love God with all our hearts when we shun God's children for following their hearts and doing what makes them happy? Just saying.
Ok sorry. ha! The word i meant to use was 'live'. Sorry, didn't meant to offend anyone.
@ Nath:
I appreciate you opinion, but don't particularly agree with it, however, I'm not going to write a detailed reply because as discussions like this go deeper, they just get easier and easier to misinterpret, especially in a written medium like this.
@ Therese:
Just to clarify, I believe that practicing homosexuality is a sin, and to be honest, I really do despise sin, because I know the torment, despair and loneliness it brings people, and yes, I have been drowning in that sea of sin and sorrow myself.
So when I say 'hate homosexuality, love the homosexual', I draw from the old adage, hate the sin, love the sinner. So please don't misinterpret that.
I do HATE sin, but I friggin LOVE sinners, because I know that there was a guy that came and died to lift us from that despair, and save us from our sins! JESUS!!! :)
@ Everyone:
I think it's really great that things like homosexuality, previously quite a taboo subject, can be openly and honestly discussed like this. If we truly are to become the unified Army of God that The Salvation Army was raised to be, more of this discussion needs to occur. Thanks guys, and thankyou MORE!
Honestly, it is amazing how bigoted the Christian community is. Saying you "hate homosexuality" is offensive.
Being a Muslim is also a sin according to Christianity. So is being Jewish. Do you go around saying you "hate Islam" or "hate Judaism"? No, because its offensive to those people. Yet you have no problem saying what you do to gay people.
Unfortunately, offensive behaviour towards gays has been tolerated for so long that nobody cares when offensive things are said anymore. However, I am always pleasantly surprised when people like Nathan are happy to speak up.
To any gay person who read the article, it is nonsense. Sy Rogers is a former transgender who makes millions lecturing around the world - and most gays are not "molested into being gay". These ideas are judgmental and destructive.