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10th May 2010 by Kevin Thow

Earlier this year I listened to a group of people between the ages of 15 and 30 speak about their hopes, dreams and fears. One point raised is a concept that I'd like to call 'The Safe Zone'.

Fear of being exposed: Staying in 'The Safe Zone'

The Safe Zone is how much an individual will reveal of their inner self to the wider world – what is displayed is based on comfort levels, and giving a good impression to others.

The diagram on the right shows how this works. As men, we like to stay within the outer circles of what represents who we are – 'The Outward Self' and 'The Safe Zone'. We dare not show the world a glimpse of who we are beyond these boundaries.

Many me's

The Outward Self is who we are on the surface. We like to create multiple identities for ourselves similar to Sam Worthington in Avatar.

Unlike Avatar, however, we own more than two identities. We have our workplace identity, school/university identity, our home identity, our recreational identity and so on.

Those identities have their own masks: we want to look 'cool', be macho, and act like good Christians.

Having multiple selves is confusing because we start to lose who we really are. One day you could be leading a church congregation into the presence of God, and the next day you're consumed in a lust-fuelled situation with your girlfriend.

Is identifying ourselves as followers of Jesus our true identity? (For further reading, I recommend The Vertical Self by Mark Sayers).

The Safe Zone is a space where we are in control, a space where we comfortably reveal who we are, but only to an extent. The inner circle of us, or the 'Inward Self', is hidden.

The Inward Self is who we really are when no one is looking. It reflects our brokenness, deepest desires, fears, beliefs and struggles.

Something deep within the heart of a man makes him want to hide. There is a fear of being exposed, a fear of truly showing the world who he really is. We don't ever want to be seen as failures.

Fix yourself

Often we guys are too stubborn to cry out for help until all other options have been exhausted. I am sure that some of you have repressed feelings of guilt, shame and fear due to pride and the fear of not living up to being the 'perfect Christian'. We prefer to fix ourselves and hide, rather than seek godly men who can speak into our lives.

I believe that young men often take this easier route because:

• They don't have the tools, courage or forward-thinking to identify someone to intentionally mentor them in a deep, trustworthy relationship where they can reveal their 'Inward Self'.
• They have been burnt in the past in some way by their fathers or other male role models.

A distant, fatherless society

Based on the stories of several teenage men and women I've heard and my own personal experience (my father passed away when I was six years old and I grew up without a shining example of masculinity), I've noticed many fathers and men in positions of influence and authority have been absent, distant or ill-equipped to deal with the inner crises of their own sin and place in the world. This makes nurturing and tending to the young saplings that are their sons and daughters incredibly difficult. (Of course, there are also many men who are positive examples for their families and churches.)

Hide or seek

The truth of the matter is this: You are the next generation of men and you are the next generation of fathers.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, there are two options for life:

1. Hide and live entirely in 'The Outward Self' and 'The Safe Zone', forever hiding the innermost depths of your being, and allowing sin to manifest itself without accountability and wise counsel. The trouble with this approach is many parts of our inner self will eventually find their way to the surface.

2. Seek. Have the humility to drop your pride and confess to another (preferably a trusted, godly mentor) that you don't have it all together, and you don't have everything figured out. Through repentance and trusting in Christ's finished work, a young man's character can grow. Instead of hiding skeletons in the closet, freedom can be found in believing there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.

If we are to improve on our discipleship, we need trust, grace, prayer, brutal honesty and a non-judgmental environment. We must fight for this and move out of the comfort of 'The Safe Zone' and into the dangerous territory of allowing someone to find out who we truly are. When we give Jesus complete control of ourselves, we are no longer enslaved and we are able to find true freedom.

By Kevin Thow

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