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16th March 2010 by Claire Hill

We know we should forgive each other. We should forgive because Jesus forgave us, because God commands us to and because the alternative is bitterness and anger that only ends up hurting us! But I think sometimes we misunderstand forgiveness. Here are a couple of things forgiveness isn't.

1. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretending nothing happened

If you've been wounded by someone's actions or words, forgiveness isn't saying, "It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It didn't hurt me that bad."

The truth is - if it's worth forgiving, it did hurt you.

Talk it out with someone. Cry it out if you need to. Acknowledge the pain.

Forgiveness is saying, "Yes, it did hurt. Yes, it did cause pain in my life. But I'm not gonna hold it against you."

2. Forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship has to return to how it was before you were hurt

In fact, in cases where the hurt is deep it is often foolish and/or impossible for the relationship to immediately return to how it used to be.

Say your boyfriend or girlfriend does something unthinkably horrible to you, they betray your trust and you feel shaky and bruised and upset for weeks. Forgiving them means not holding on to hatred and anger towards them but forgiveness does not mean that you have to keep catching up with them every day, confiding in them and carrying on like you trust them just as much as you did before.

In some cases you'll need to put some space between you and the person who hurt you while trust is rebuilt. In cases where your boyfriend/girlfriend is consistently hurting you and shows no desire or effort to change their behaviour you probably need to put an end to a relationship. And that's okay.

Claire Hill

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