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'Rentals Crisis

24th August 2009 by Angela Cairns

Communication breakdown

Not too long ago I asked a friend if she's getting along with her mum at the moment. She said "yeah, we've been fine. We don't really talk much, but we're not fighting". It turns out when they're home together they sit on their separate lounges, tapping away on their laptops, doing their own thing.

It seems that to teenagers, most of the time parents seem busy, disinterested and cranky, far removed from the world of school, pimples, love, skating, MySpace and iPhones.

I want you to think about your best friend for a minute. If you never talked, never hung out, never laughed together, and rarely communicated with each other, would you feel close to them? Or, would you feel distanced? Would you feel that they didn't really know you and weren't interested in you?

I'm a mum to three gorgeous, funny kids and I don't ever want the communication to stop. I don't ever want them to not talk to me. I think it would break my heart if the communication broke down between us at any point. Why? Because I love them.

What they do

I realise for a lot of you, you may not have a mum or dad in your life. And I know a lot of ache comes with that. But thinking about the parent/s you do have, I'd like you to think about these questions:

Is there always food in the cupboard/ fridge?
Do mum and/or dad drive you to your friend's house or out to the movies?
Do mum and/or dad make a fuss for your birthday?
Do mum and/or dad ask you questions about your life?
Is there a lock on the internet so you can't go on inappropriate websites?
Do mum and/or dad ever say "I love you"?
Do mum and/or dad do things with you?
Do mum and/or dad have rules for you (curfews etc)?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then maybe your mum/dad are interested in you after all. Maybe they love you immensely, but aren't sure how to express it.

Maybe teenagers seem busy, disinterested, cranky and far removed from the world to their parents.

What you do

Now reflect on these questions:

When was the last time you gave your mum/dad a hug?
When was the last time you told them "I love you"?
When was the last time you offered to help them?
When was the last time you made a big fuss for their birthday?
When was the last time you asked your mum/dad how their day was?
When was the last time you invited your mum/dad to do something with you?
When was the last time you obeyed your mum/dad straight away?
When was the last time you tried to communicate how you really feel to your parents (in a calm voice) and how they can help you?

Sometimes we need to just do our bit in communicating to our parents, and hope they'll then do their bit. Sometimes they still don't come through for us and the best thing we can do is really try and look at the motive behind what they're doing.

Chances are they long to interact with you. Chances are they feel a world apart from you. Chances are they want to be heard and to feel loved by you.

The mystery of tomorrow

It's not always easy to tell your olds how you feel, to bite your tongue in an argument, to say "I love you", to respect them, or to apologise. But it's worth a shot; you never know what tomorrow brings.

I have a cousin who recently came off his motorbike. At this stage it looks as though he will be permanently paralysed. His teenage daughters are now spending most of their time in hospital feeding their once very active dad with a small spoon and mashed food. He can't even hug them anymore, let alone kick a footy with them.

You never know what tomorrow brings.

Scripture and your parents

Here are some Bible verses that can be applied to your relationship with your parents:

Matthew 19:19 "Honour your father and mother, and love your neighbour as yourself."
Ephesians 4:26-27 "Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry."
Plus a few more: Deuteronomy 5:16; Proverbs 13:4; Proverbs 15:1; Proverbs 20:3; Matthew 15:4; 1 Peter 5:7.

Author's note

If your issues with your parents are far greater than a simple communication break down, I encourage you to find someone who you can confide in. It's hard when it's your family hurting you, you may feel like you are betraying them when you speak out. But if you know in your heart that what is happening is not acceptable, I would encourage you to talk to your youth leader, your church leader, a teacher, or ring one of the help lines below:

KIDS Helpline: 1800 55 1800
Salvo Care Line: 1300 363 622
Teen Challenge Careline (Suicide Prevention): 1300 889 288

Angela Cairns is Youth Pastor at Tweed Heads Salvation Army on the north coast of New South Wales. She's passionate about reaching out to young people across her city.