Hiding behind the mask
11th May 2009 by Yvette Clarke
Do you ever have those days where you feel completely and utterly lost? So confused and don't know anything at all about anything? Perhaps it's from having to do this really hard assignment, which you just can't do, so it's making you feel completely stupid. Or maybe it's because your whole family's messed up and you just don't know where you fit? Or you've just gone back to school and something happened to all your friends over the holidays that you know nothing about, and so you feel totally out of the loop?
To feel alone, unloved, confused, and out of the loop is not a totally foreign, abnormal thing!
One of the most annoying things I've ever thought about in my life- is how people say "yeah, I understand." You know how you've had a really bad day, and then someone finally convinces you to talk to them about it, and they say they understand! ARGH! It annoys me, because really, how can they understand what's going on in my head?
The mask
I have a confession to make... We were taking our youth to a conference a few weeks ago, and one of the boys said to my fiancé, Michael, "Yvette has a fake smile doesn't she?" He said yes. And it's true; I have a smile that I use. For example, when someone's saying something I don't really find funny, I act polite. I also use it when someone asks me if I'm ok, when really; inside my head I'm not ok at all! So there you have it, I've confessed! - I fake smile!!
But it's something that we've learnt, through society to do. Be vulnerable?! Be open and share what you're really feeling?! Are you kidding me?! You can't trust anyone!
Imagine this conversation at school, "Hey Sarah, what'd you do on the weekend?" "Oh, nothing exciting, how about you?" She'll now tell me about the party she went to and I don't have to tell her I went to church. It's a mask we wear, to remain cool, keeping up with all that we need to. A mask isn't just a person you appear to be though; it's also a tool we use to hide our true self.
Inside my mind
* I am never ever going to have a boyfriend like that, why can't a boy like me? That would make me feel happy * I wonder if anyone would miss me if I wasn't here? * If I fell asleep and didn't wake up, would I be in heaven? * I really shouldn't look at her like that, nor should I have made those comments before * Does anyone out there love me? * I just wish I could be myself * I wish I was skinnier * Here we go again- just don't look at anyone, and they won't notice you, it's only six and a half more hours until school ends. They won't see you if you sit back there. Please don't turn around, please don't turn around...* Don't let them see you cry, hide. Hide... * No one would notice, take it, put it in the pocket, ok, go. * "No mum, I'm not hungry! Just leave me alone!" *
And alone is how you feel. The reality is, everywhere you go, to school, to uni, to work, to church, to youth- it's an abstract reality. A place where you wear your mask of the OK, of the good girl or of the tough guy. Being a Christian is such a nerdy thing to do. And so, when there is so much going on inside, the mask you wear and who you show the world, is completely different to who you really are.
Be real
I'm not claiming to understand. But I get the whole mask thing! I fake smile, I tell people I'm ok all the time when I'm not, and at work when someone asks me if I'm a hard out Christian, I sometimes struggle to say yes. You want to know a secret? No human is ever going to completely understand you. To be real with people is incredibly hard and to not feel alone is near impossible by yourself.
One of the craziest things about God is that he knows everything. Absolutely everything, before you even wake up he knows all that will happen to you that day. He knows your thoughts, your actions, and your dreams before even you do! To stop wearing your mask in front of your friends at school and admitting you go to church is hard, as is opening up to someone and telling them you haven't been ok for years since this or that happened. But can I suggest that we both give it a go? Begin to be real with others?
We also need to be real and honest with God. He knows all, there's no reason to be ashamed! Because the answers to all your hidden and shameful questions are found, when you crawl into his lap and whisper them to him. In his arms, you won't ever feel alone, sad or unworthy.
Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Yvette is the youth leader of [UNLEASHED] Youth at the Gold Coast Salvos. Her favourite colour is green and she gets excited when young people choose to live their lives sold out for the cause of Jesus Christ.
Yvette is engaged to Michael, loves to read books and is excited about all that is yet to come for this generation.
save. grow. serve.
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Comments
Great article and so true too. As a Youth Leader with Gosford Salvos - SAGALA - I need to be as unmasked as possible. It can be hard at times.... Very interesting reading. I will pass it on. Thank you.
jolly good word vet
Thanks for sharing honestly, always so appreciated!
Thanks! For letting me know that how i feel is ok because i don't wear a mask.what u see is what u get i try to tell the truth when ever i can .